Q.(7) I am finding myself attracted to many women. How do I know if I am in love?
ANSWER by Dr Maddy
So many women/men – so little time!
Is it lust or love?
Am I in love?
Page 100 of my book "Power Up For Success" describes Four Misconceptions of Love and you can tell right away how you are feeling and what is real.
Four Misconceptions of Love
Love is the ability to do very well on your own, but enjoying it more
with this special other person. One misconception is that falling in
love makes you happy and whole. It is foolish to think that falling in
love
joins both people as one and that loneliness disappears. When each
person has different needs and wants, they will find conflict or
initiate the work of real loving. This real love occurs when we act
lovingly despite the fact that we don't feel like it.
Try this exercise: Draw a line vertically down the middle of a page and
write down your priorities on one side of the line and your partner's
priorities on the other. See where they match and where there are
differences. Then take another piece of paper and make three columns. In
column #1 write the aspects you must have in a relationship; in column
#2 write what you would like to have, but you could live without; in
column #3 write down what you absolutely can't tolerate. Have your
partner do this on another piece of paper. Now take all of these lists
and compare what you have in common with your partner, what can be
changed and compromised with, and where both of your priorities are. If
you love going out and your partner does not, you have a major
compromise to make. Love is not the joining of two individuals into one,
but a separateness encouraging growth in each other.
Another misconception is that there is only one perfect mate and that
they will satisfy each other's needs forever. Each person grows at a
different rate and sometimes the growth pattern encompasses various
interests and hobbies. If you find yourself committed to a relationship
that is no longer romantic or fulfilling, try to see what is bonding you
two together. Encourage the "winged life" in yourself and in your
partner, but there must be respect and love to nourish or you are
holding on to something that no longer exists.
Another misconception is that dependency is love. Love is free choice.
Two people love each other when they are capable of living without each
other, but choose to live with each other. When one says that "I can't
live without him," that is being a parasite-not a lover. The only true
closeness in the relationship is for individual growth and growth as a
couple.
The fourth fallacy is that love is a feeling. Love is an action. It is
volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so
because of a decision to love. It is actually a commitment to be loving
whether or not the loving feeling is present. The common tendency to
confuse love with the feeling of love allows people to be open to
self-deception. Know the difference between lust and love. In love, we
extend ourselves to the nurturing of ourselves and another so it is
commitment. By being aware that both of you are committed, you could
then have a lusting and loving relationship that grows.
